its embarrassing sometimes how absolutely silly I can be.
The story happened a week before Halloween.
Me and my boyfriend had this super fabulous AWESOME idea. seriously the BEST COUPLE COSTUME EVER: nuns. he had a beard so he could be the funny 'bearded nun', and i was going to be the 'naughty nun'. I bought six inch platform heels and a mini nun costume. online. we had a lot of fun going through all the various sites and looking at all the costumes -- dude there's at least 500 nun costumes out there. crazy.
mkay BUT: then when it got here see, i try it on and it isnt the way it looked in the picture. the fabric was different than pictured. it was this shiny stretchy stuff instead velvet. it was also unhemmed and kind of kept riding up. and the sleeves were wierd. i looked way WAY more like a 'chubby nunny' than a 'naughty nun'. Totally depressing. And this was five days before the costume party we were going to. i mean, i know what size i am and how many pounds i STILL need to lose before i will really like what i look like but STILL, i did not think i deserved to be cheated out of my FIRST halloween costume experience ever. i wanted to look at least moderately hot and that shouldnt be too damn hard. pssh.
So the idea comes to mind, a memory really, of when I was a maid of honor at my sister's wedding and I bought both her and I something I had only ever heard of but never experienced: european body wraps! a spa experience extraordinairre. my sister chickened out, even after i called the place and the lady assured me there were no ingredients known to be allergic to brides to be. but anyways, I DID go through with it and the next day, when i put my super hot apple red bustier on, it was TOO BIG. literally. that body wrap thing worked .. well in essence it sucks out your extra water weight for a couple days before you.. swell back up to normal i guess.
SO OK back to the current story: im depressed about my upcoming nunnishness and i remembered about that experience. and I called every single place in the two towns i live by and there are NO appointments available within the needed time frame.
hell. bloody fat fucking hell.
SO MY NEXT idea? go online. you can find anything there right?
yes you can. and i did. specifically: an e book with a bunch of recipes for doing body wraps at home. YEA ME!! who says I cant figure shit out when i need to?
so: ordered the book, read it all up, and off i went to the store for my.. ace bandages. the book said 12 and they would only cost about $@ apiece. IT was wrong, at walmart the ones i got all ended up to be forty damn dollars. whatevs. yes, this is the end of the month almost and i AM running low on funds but THIS CAUSE will need every SACRIFICE i can make to pull it off.
the next thing was red body clay / body masking clay stuff. there wasnt any to be had anywhere. i finally found some face mask stuff that said it had benton clay which i remembered was talked about in the book too, so i got that.
THEN: seaweed. i finally went to an asian market, and asked a lady about what kind would be best. she was perplexed, and led me to the aisle of sea weed. both chinese and japanese. and all for eating not for wrapping. i was unphased, even after she walked away muttering about white girls or something.
so, i had all my stuff and went home. i crushed up the dried shredded sea weed and started it boiling. i went and found my space heater and put it in the bathroom turned on medium. the book says its important to stay warm. then i strained the NASTY smelling seaweed, and stirred in the mask-ey stuff along with two small niacin pills (for opening up all your arteries i think) and some essential oils (to mask that NASTY seaweed smell).
i had a half pot of warm-goopy-not-so-bad-smelling-kind-of-lumpy-but-what-ever-mess.
i had my big sheet. and another blanket to go over that.
i had my hair up.
i had my skin all scrubbed down and exfoliated.
and, i had my ace bandages.
all in all i spent about $55 or so. which wasnt great, but still less than the $110.00 i would have spent plus tip in a salon. i felt empowered, and ready for my adventure. and headed into the bathroom.
the bathroom was cold. the heater had turned off at somepoint. DAMNIT. i turned it back on and debated what i should do, because this goopy shit wasnt gonna stay warm for too long. my house was built in 1891, with dang high ceiling and nothing remotely close to sufficient insulation or centwise goodness like houses have today. that bathroom was maybe 50 degrees tops. I finally decided to go ahead and get started. i got naked and began glopping up my leg, then wrapped it up with one of the bandages.
the damn DEVIL HEATER turned itself off again. and would NOT turn back on.
FUCK.
so, now i just have to hurry this shit up. i glop up and wrap up everything I can, except my arms. then i do my arms. and im shivering. then, i wrap up with my sheet and thats a little better but not much. SO, i go into the living room, crank my wall heater to 90 degrees, and try to ..sit down in front of it. im all mummied up. this was a harder task than expected. but i did it and sat there on the floor in front of the heater.
my feet got too hot. my back is still cold. this sucks ass. i finally wiggle around and lay down, sideways, in front of the heater. then using my feet and my mouth (i am too far gone in shame now to lie about this), i wiggle the other blanket mostly over me. and then i just lay there on my back.
the heater turned off.
here i am again, getting cold and .. gelled. not shrinking. gelling. i lay there on the floor facing the ceiling and im too squishy to even think about any new solution now. this did not work. but i still laid there.. until the door bell rang.
WHY? WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME??
no i didnt answer it but i DID squish myself up and wobble hop into the bathroom. and then got everything off me and cleaned up. feeling like a full on ninny. not a nunny, a ninny. i sometimes get ninny ideas in my head, and this is how they end up. awesome.
so, to end the ninny nunny story: the body wrap seemed to shrink my boobs a little,
but nothing else that i could tell. i did have a super power slip that smooshed everything into where it needed to stay and that make the nun costume tolerable..for the first 1.5 hours of the party at least. then i just happened to look down, and: the sides had blown out. both of them. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT??? i spent the rest of the time with my arms down. and thank God for the damn black wonder slip, nobody noticed.
next year, im going to be a mummy. i already got the damn bandages.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
TAG OCHO
SOOOOOOOOOO its quite true: I am in fact, fairly easy. people tell me to do stuff and i pretty much will almost always just do it. specially when im drinking. mmmmm PINK WINE IS MY NEW FAVORITE. it makes me feel like a girly girl. mkay so here it is.. my TAG 8
8 Things I'm Looking Forward to:
1. my boyfriend coming back home from vermont.
2. hopefully getting a neat vermontian PRESENT .. hopefully not a hat.
3. losing 10 pounds. which wont happen if i dont knock my over eating shit OFF and get motivated.
4. the second glass of pink girly girl wine ;D mmmm
5. having the answers to my dilemmas
6. bein tanner
7. DANCING this WEEKEND WOO HOO
8. coloring in my lily tat. some day.
8 Things I did yesterday:
1. ate m&ms AND skittles. dont judge me.
2. got a phone call from a nice ladyparts lady dr. and it didnt make me cry.
3. went to a softball game
4. ran two damn miles in 23 minutes. which is like 11.5 min per mile. which is a full on personal fucking record. bc it usually takes me like 14 min per mile.
5. wanted to smoke but ddnt.
6. slept with my boyfriend one last night before he went to STUPID VERMONT.
7. i fucking hate VERMONT
8. i need more wine. dont judge me. i ddnt drink wine yesterday tho. just coffee. thats what i did: drank coffee.
8 Things I wish I could do:
1. punch all of vermont in the face
2. what the fuck kind of word is that anyways? i wish i could change it to VERMONT SUCKS ASS.
3. run THREE MILES in 33 minutes. that would truly rock.
.4. fly. to vermont. and punch it.
5. is that where mimes come from? vermont? hm. i wish i could punch a mime.
6. there's this last little gloppy piece of raspberry in my glass. i wish i could get it out with my tongue. but the glass is too big.
7. i wish i could remember the name of the author who wrote the necromancer series with that character Harry who could talk to the dead and then got turned into a vampire. bc that series kicked so much more ass than stinkin twilight you dont even know. just sayin. there were even russian spies, werewolves. hot vampire sex, EGGS, AND wormholes. it was crazy.
8. i wish i could have time to read for fun.
8 Shows I watch:
psh about tweny minutes of family guy while im eating dinner if im lucky. thats it. tv's on in the background of my life but i never get to watch it. you people with your fancy DISHWASHERS and self cleaning HOUSES or even better: PARTNERS who HELP you.. you just dont know how lucky you got it.
i used to watch america's test kitchen. and the garden shows on PBS on saturday. maybe i can do that this wknd.
8 Things I'm Looking Forward to:
1. my boyfriend coming back home from vermont.
2. hopefully getting a neat vermontian PRESENT .. hopefully not a hat.
3. losing 10 pounds. which wont happen if i dont knock my over eating shit OFF and get motivated.
4. the second glass of pink girly girl wine ;D mmmm
5. having the answers to my dilemmas
6. bein tanner
7. DANCING this WEEKEND WOO HOO
8. coloring in my lily tat. some day.
8 Things I did yesterday:
1. ate m&ms AND skittles. dont judge me.
2. got a phone call from a nice ladyparts lady dr. and it didnt make me cry.
3. went to a softball game
4. ran two damn miles in 23 minutes. which is like 11.5 min per mile. which is a full on personal fucking record. bc it usually takes me like 14 min per mile.
5. wanted to smoke but ddnt.
6. slept with my boyfriend one last night before he went to STUPID VERMONT.
7. i fucking hate VERMONT
8. i need more wine. dont judge me. i ddnt drink wine yesterday tho. just coffee. thats what i did: drank coffee.
8 Things I wish I could do:
1. punch all of vermont in the face
2. what the fuck kind of word is that anyways? i wish i could change it to VERMONT SUCKS ASS.
3. run THREE MILES in 33 minutes. that would truly rock.
.4. fly. to vermont. and punch it.
5. is that where mimes come from? vermont? hm. i wish i could punch a mime.
6. there's this last little gloppy piece of raspberry in my glass. i wish i could get it out with my tongue. but the glass is too big.
7. i wish i could remember the name of the author who wrote the necromancer series with that character Harry who could talk to the dead and then got turned into a vampire. bc that series kicked so much more ass than stinkin twilight you dont even know. just sayin. there were even russian spies, werewolves. hot vampire sex, EGGS, AND wormholes. it was crazy.
8. i wish i could have time to read for fun.
8 Shows I watch:
psh about tweny minutes of family guy while im eating dinner if im lucky. thats it. tv's on in the background of my life but i never get to watch it. you people with your fancy DISHWASHERS and self cleaning HOUSES or even better: PARTNERS who HELP you.. you just dont know how lucky you got it.
i used to watch america's test kitchen. and the garden shows on PBS on saturday. maybe i can do that this wknd.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
flowerpants
My boyfriend runs long distances.
This past year i've been dating him, i've gone with him to a few events, to watch / take pictures / have his stuff ready for him /cheer him on, etc. Well last month, while waiting for him to finish up his second 'Ultrathon' of the year (31.someting miles), i decided i was tired of being the lame-ass-girlfriend-watcher. and the next moderately decent one he signed up for, i would to. Decent meaning: less than 10 miles.
Which turned out to be titled 'Shotgun trail Blast.'
a 10k, 15k, or 25k trailrun. Vinnie was doing the 25k but i figured i could handle the 10k. 'It's only six miles' i said to myself. i can run that on the treadmill in an hour and a half. factoring another half hour in for the 'trail' variable, i figured i could do this in two hours and it would kick ass to do my first 10k on a trail run instead of a flat run.
well, thats what i was thinking anyways.
I could have named the blog after this but instead, my title is a heartfelt toast to the 73 year old lady who beat me at this run. by 22 minutes. In her 20 year old pink orange and blue flowered capris, belly bag, and terry cloth sweatband.Let me first state: The name of this run was absolutely misleading. This was no happy 'trail run'. Read this description below:
Shotgun Trail Blast:
"If you love trails, trees, hills, mud, and more mud, then this is the race for you. The scenery is fantastic, the course is challenging and the experience will be unforgettable. The first 1.7 miles of the 10K and 15K and the first 2.6 miles of the 25K are on a smooth paved surface along the creek, before turning onto the trails. The rest of the courses are on wide, muddy, hilly and super-scenic forest trails, with significant elevation gain and loss. All events finish with a 1/2 mile stretch on pavement. The 25K course will be as challenging as running a road marathon - please come prepared."
Ok, granted; there is a sentence in there citing 'significant elevation gain and loss'. HOWEVER i must humbly beg to fucking differ: those trails were not wide. they were trenches. trenches dug by four wheelers and other off road vehicles. these trails were indeed muddy. the kind of sucking mud that wants to steal your soul along with your shoes. the significant elevation? ohhh yes. it was significant. we were traveling uphill. the WHOLE FUCKING TIME. UPHILL. close to 2000 feet. not at any normal slope. at an EVIL slope.
i was thoroughly disillusioned.
this was no 'trail event'. this was a 'trench event.' if i had read about a 'trench event thru bitch ass trenches going up 2000 feet', i might have asked myself: "hmm, am i ready for that?" and probly just done the two mile fun run last week with the cute little shamrock shirt. but no. i read 'muddy trail with significant elevation', and i interpreted some uppy - downy hilly terrain with a few mud puddles and a happy go lucky crowd alongside me.
one hour uphill in a trench taller than me getting my shoes sucked off and all i could think (when i could think) is: flower pants did this? flowerpants is kicking my ass? also i must state, all the little runs i've done have allll KINDS of people who take however long to do their thing. this was a 'serious' event. i didnt get that, i guess, when i was reading the description. this was an event for those who Train. and Just. Do. It. and wear funny thingys over their shoes to keep the mud out. and use words like 'sub-one' and such.
I will state this: the 'Blast' part of the name was accurate. my friend Tracy came with me. im glad she did. it was superfun bonding, moaning and getting lost or almost so. we were so far behind the rest of the runners (ok, the ACTUAL runners bc we were NOT running most of the time), the aid stations had already packed up and left by the time we reached where they were supposed to be. that sucked. plus the event leader had stated there were boy scouts all over the place, and we had our little trail map and 'the trails are clearly marked' and there was 'no way you could get lost out there' what the hell ever. we were stressed about where we were most of the time. we had a little bag of energy chews and no water. we didnt see one damn scout until we found the road again. that was a blessed event. After an hour and a half in the forest trenches, we had arrived at the last water station. in time. after that it was about three tenths of a mile to the finish, on nice flat road. awesome.
we came in dead dang last at two hours seven minutes. the announcer broadcasted it out "Oh, here's two more finishers" he stated our names, our times, and then said "moving right along, the name of the first place female runner is .." she came in exactly one hour before us.
whatever. Tracy brought beer. and we got to drink them while waiting for vinnie to come in from his 15 mile jaunt (which he did at two hours, thirty eight minutes, taking eighth place and second in his age group. bc thats how he rolls) Yes, the forest was beautiful, but not as heart-rendering beautiful as seeing those bottles with the pretty blue mountains on them coming out of her cooler. this is the best beer i've ever ever had. and besides, i was only a few minutes over my orignial estimation of two hours which i have to say, seems miraculous given that i had not counted on climbing a whole freakin mountain when i was doing my pre- event math.
flower pants had already left, which was too bad. we wanted to offer her a beer to thank her for the inspiration. that old woman seriously has it goin on.
This past year i've been dating him, i've gone with him to a few events, to watch / take pictures / have his stuff ready for him /cheer him on, etc. Well last month, while waiting for him to finish up his second 'Ultrathon' of the year (31.someting miles), i decided i was tired of being the lame-ass-girlfriend-watcher. and the next moderately decent one he signed up for, i would to. Decent meaning: less than 10 miles.
Which turned out to be titled 'Shotgun trail Blast.'
a 10k, 15k, or 25k trailrun. Vinnie was doing the 25k but i figured i could handle the 10k. 'It's only six miles' i said to myself. i can run that on the treadmill in an hour and a half. factoring another half hour in for the 'trail' variable, i figured i could do this in two hours and it would kick ass to do my first 10k on a trail run instead of a flat run.
well, thats what i was thinking anyways.
I could have named the blog after this but instead, my title is a heartfelt toast to the 73 year old lady who beat me at this run. by 22 minutes. In her 20 year old pink orange and blue flowered capris, belly bag, and terry cloth sweatband.Let me first state: The name of this run was absolutely misleading. This was no happy 'trail run'. Read this description below:
Shotgun Trail Blast:
"If you love trails, trees, hills, mud, and more mud, then this is the race for you. The scenery is fantastic, the course is challenging and the experience will be unforgettable. The first 1.7 miles of the 10K and 15K and the first 2.6 miles of the 25K are on a smooth paved surface along the creek, before turning onto the trails. The rest of the courses are on wide, muddy, hilly and super-scenic forest trails, with significant elevation gain and loss. All events finish with a 1/2 mile stretch on pavement. The 25K course will be as challenging as running a road marathon - please come prepared."
Ok, granted; there is a sentence in there citing 'significant elevation gain and loss'. HOWEVER i must humbly beg to fucking differ: those trails were not wide. they were trenches. trenches dug by four wheelers and other off road vehicles. these trails were indeed muddy. the kind of sucking mud that wants to steal your soul along with your shoes. the significant elevation? ohhh yes. it was significant. we were traveling uphill. the WHOLE FUCKING TIME. UPHILL. close to 2000 feet. not at any normal slope. at an EVIL slope.
i was thoroughly disillusioned.
this was no 'trail event'. this was a 'trench event.' if i had read about a 'trench event thru bitch ass trenches going up 2000 feet', i might have asked myself: "hmm, am i ready for that?" and probly just done the two mile fun run last week with the cute little shamrock shirt. but no. i read 'muddy trail with significant elevation', and i interpreted some uppy - downy hilly terrain with a few mud puddles and a happy go lucky crowd alongside me.
one hour uphill in a trench taller than me getting my shoes sucked off and all i could think (when i could think) is: flower pants did this? flowerpants is kicking my ass? also i must state, all the little runs i've done have allll KINDS of people who take however long to do their thing. this was a 'serious' event. i didnt get that, i guess, when i was reading the description. this was an event for those who Train. and Just. Do. It. and wear funny thingys over their shoes to keep the mud out. and use words like 'sub-one' and such.
I will state this: the 'Blast' part of the name was accurate. my friend Tracy came with me. im glad she did. it was superfun bonding, moaning and getting lost or almost so. we were so far behind the rest of the runners (ok, the ACTUAL runners bc we were NOT running most of the time), the aid stations had already packed up and left by the time we reached where they were supposed to be. that sucked. plus the event leader had stated there were boy scouts all over the place, and we had our little trail map and 'the trails are clearly marked' and there was 'no way you could get lost out there' what the hell ever. we were stressed about where we were most of the time. we had a little bag of energy chews and no water. we didnt see one damn scout until we found the road again. that was a blessed event. After an hour and a half in the forest trenches, we had arrived at the last water station. in time. after that it was about three tenths of a mile to the finish, on nice flat road. awesome.
we came in dead dang last at two hours seven minutes. the announcer broadcasted it out "Oh, here's two more finishers" he stated our names, our times, and then said "moving right along, the name of the first place female runner is .." she came in exactly one hour before us.
whatever. Tracy brought beer. and we got to drink them while waiting for vinnie to come in from his 15 mile jaunt (which he did at two hours, thirty eight minutes, taking eighth place and second in his age group. bc thats how he rolls) Yes, the forest was beautiful, but not as heart-rendering beautiful as seeing those bottles with the pretty blue mountains on them coming out of her cooler. this is the best beer i've ever ever had. and besides, i was only a few minutes over my orignial estimation of two hours which i have to say, seems miraculous given that i had not counted on climbing a whole freakin mountain when i was doing my pre- event math.
flower pants had already left, which was too bad. we wanted to offer her a beer to thank her for the inspiration. that old woman seriously has it goin on.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
fat wednesday
this will be short. im cold and sweaty. i was running but that one father figure called and so i had to get off the treadmill exactly three minutes short of my 30 minute goal. BUT: my distance was 2.1 miles. thats a whopping thirteen minutes per mile people.
ANYWAYS: today: weightwatchers. unbeFREAKINGlievable. i actually gained 1.something pounds in the last week. that sucked. i am moderately competetive which is why when i hear other people losing weight, and im not, im not happy for them. not completely. im a little bit pissed inside. this is not an emotion im proud of. however it did make me get on the treadmill though..
after weightwatchers all i really wanted to do was go to my cubby and eat licorice feel sorry for myself in peace. i didn't get to do that tho. there was this whole dramatic email wrangling i had to go through regarding my coed volleyball team. we started on consisting of four couples. on the deadline day which was two fridays ago. THEN on the monday we got an email from the coordinator stating there were two more last minute girls added on. as in: they were added on the MONDAY after the DEADLINE day. and let me be clear- it was ME that scrambled around that whole day making a team of eight. and feeling pretty dang good about it in the end. so ok fine, two more girls. i try to contact them like three times and no. response. whatsoever. i know they READ the damn emails but they for whatever reason didnt want to respond. that's not cool. neither did they choose to come to the team planning meeting the weekend after. so what the hell? do i have to put up with this? especially when it means if they DO show to games there will be four people rotating out every game. which means all of us will have significantly less playing time. which is NOT what any of us paid money for-- to sit and watch the damn game.
so it took today about eight emails and one or four IM conversations for the coordinator to understand that if the other two nonresponsive girls stayed on the team, then two couples were actually going to back out of the team and we wouldnt have enough MEN to make it a COED team. this was not what i had in mind when i accepted the position of 'captain'. i thought all i had to do was flip the damn quarter and sign the roster. maybe set up some practices. this whole thing was awkward and exhausting and now i have to take the coordinator out to lunch to make it right with HER. because i like her and this sucked for her too.
so THEN.. after work i went and got my face zapped. do you know about electrolosis? fun times. This means those little soldiers are gone from my chin and eyebrows, to return NEVERMORE. mkay it really is a form of torture though: the lady sticks this tiny tiny little filament right next to the hair down the shaft into the follicle or whatever, then zaps it three times. you hear a 'beep beep beep', you FEEL a 'zap zap zap', you try very hard NOT to curse or claw through the bench. especially when it is your upper lip. let me be clear: i have TWO tattoos both of which were moderately time consuming, over bone areas, and not exactly a walk in the park but ooooohhhhh MOMMY, the lip area is one ouchy place. it actually wasn't so bad today, as in i managed to get through it without crying or flinching or biting anything. my orignial idea when i started this was to begin at the top (my face) and work my way.. down. now, im less and less thrilled with that. im just visualizing getting through one session at a time.
then i went to get the six year old and then to the post office and today she was really very particularly six. her entire conversation consisted of requests:
'mommy can i have a pink ipod?'
no.
'why not?'
because.
'mommy can i have a laptop?'
no.
'when im sixteen can i have a laptop?'
no.
'why not?'
because.
'mommy can i play nintendo when we get home?'
no.
'why not?'
'because i cant find the pluggy thingy for it ok?'
let me be clear: she already knows why not to all these things. she's just trying to brainwash me into zombie mother. it is tolerable most days and sometimes i do find it stimulating to outthink her (sad, i know) but today, i have to pee and my face hurts and its all red around my lip and brows and im very very aware of my muffin top thanks to the f/ing bloody lunchtime fatty club, and i just want to go get my mail and go home and pee. with my shoes off. in silence.
so i tell her to HUSH and lock her in the car and get my dang mail (which takes literally less than one minute people so dont judge me bc i HAVE timed it and i can see my car and how many other cars are in the parking lot= two, PLUS the back is tinted windows so no one else can see her. i AM a safety girl damnit) and coming out, a guy holds the door open for me as he's coming in and i try to say thank you while holding mail in front of my face but not looking like im trying to be ungrateful, and i get out and unlock my car when i hear and 'excuse me'--
and i turn around. and it's the door opener guy.
'i would like to just introduce myself' he says, coming forward and extending his hand to shake.
im freaking out. he is a guy approaching me in a parking lot, and ya he was black, but thats not why im freaking out. im freaking out bc i have to look at someone else IN THE FACE w/my DANG RED ZAPPY STASH .. and please remember, i still have to pee. and im worried he's either going to lecture me about leaving shana in the car or try to sell me something. and if i brush him off THEN he will think im doing that because of his skin and think im a racist when i really just have to pee. soo bad. did u know holding your pee can cause bladder infections? bc it CAN. this is serious medical issue people.
'hell with it' i think. im not going to create a negative self perception for somebody else just bc i am insecure whiny girl today. i toss the mail in the seat, lean forward, look him in the dang ol eyes and shake his hand.
he looked at my hand. and said 'oh, are you married?'
i have a ring on my left hand ring finger. not bc im married but bc its too big now for my right ring finger.
i was caught completely off guard. almost surprised enough to tell him the truth BUT.. i decided to stick with simplicity today. for pee's sake.
'yes i am' i say, and i smiled really big. he wasnt a bad lookin guy at all.
he apologized, and backed away with the 'no disrespect' posture. i said no worries and thank you. and smiled some more. he said 'good luck with that,' and i said 'you too man.'
he got into a nice shiny newer tahoe, and i got into my car, and went home and peed.
with my shoes off. ;D
ANYWAYS: today: weightwatchers. unbeFREAKINGlievable. i actually gained 1.something pounds in the last week. that sucked. i am moderately competetive which is why when i hear other people losing weight, and im not, im not happy for them. not completely. im a little bit pissed inside. this is not an emotion im proud of. however it did make me get on the treadmill though..
after weightwatchers all i really wanted to do was go to my cubby and eat licorice feel sorry for myself in peace. i didn't get to do that tho. there was this whole dramatic email wrangling i had to go through regarding my coed volleyball team. we started on consisting of four couples. on the deadline day which was two fridays ago. THEN on the monday we got an email from the coordinator stating there were two more last minute girls added on. as in: they were added on the MONDAY after the DEADLINE day. and let me be clear- it was ME that scrambled around that whole day making a team of eight. and feeling pretty dang good about it in the end. so ok fine, two more girls. i try to contact them like three times and no. response. whatsoever. i know they READ the damn emails but they for whatever reason didnt want to respond. that's not cool. neither did they choose to come to the team planning meeting the weekend after. so what the hell? do i have to put up with this? especially when it means if they DO show to games there will be four people rotating out every game. which means all of us will have significantly less playing time. which is NOT what any of us paid money for-- to sit and watch the damn game.
so it took today about eight emails and one or four IM conversations for the coordinator to understand that if the other two nonresponsive girls stayed on the team, then two couples were actually going to back out of the team and we wouldnt have enough MEN to make it a COED team. this was not what i had in mind when i accepted the position of 'captain'. i thought all i had to do was flip the damn quarter and sign the roster. maybe set up some practices. this whole thing was awkward and exhausting and now i have to take the coordinator out to lunch to make it right with HER. because i like her and this sucked for her too.
so THEN.. after work i went and got my face zapped. do you know about electrolosis? fun times. This means those little soldiers are gone from my chin and eyebrows, to return NEVERMORE. mkay it really is a form of torture though: the lady sticks this tiny tiny little filament right next to the hair down the shaft into the follicle or whatever, then zaps it three times. you hear a 'beep beep beep', you FEEL a 'zap zap zap', you try very hard NOT to curse or claw through the bench. especially when it is your upper lip. let me be clear: i have TWO tattoos both of which were moderately time consuming, over bone areas, and not exactly a walk in the park but ooooohhhhh MOMMY, the lip area is one ouchy place. it actually wasn't so bad today, as in i managed to get through it without crying or flinching or biting anything. my orignial idea when i started this was to begin at the top (my face) and work my way.. down. now, im less and less thrilled with that. im just visualizing getting through one session at a time.
then i went to get the six year old and then to the post office and today she was really very particularly six. her entire conversation consisted of requests:
'mommy can i have a pink ipod?'
no.
'why not?'
because.
'mommy can i have a laptop?'
no.
'when im sixteen can i have a laptop?'
no.
'why not?'
because.
'mommy can i play nintendo when we get home?'
no.
'why not?'
'because i cant find the pluggy thingy for it ok?'
let me be clear: she already knows why not to all these things. she's just trying to brainwash me into zombie mother. it is tolerable most days and sometimes i do find it stimulating to outthink her (sad, i know) but today, i have to pee and my face hurts and its all red around my lip and brows and im very very aware of my muffin top thanks to the f/ing bloody lunchtime fatty club, and i just want to go get my mail and go home and pee. with my shoes off. in silence.
so i tell her to HUSH and lock her in the car and get my dang mail (which takes literally less than one minute people so dont judge me bc i HAVE timed it and i can see my car and how many other cars are in the parking lot= two, PLUS the back is tinted windows so no one else can see her. i AM a safety girl damnit) and coming out, a guy holds the door open for me as he's coming in and i try to say thank you while holding mail in front of my face but not looking like im trying to be ungrateful, and i get out and unlock my car when i hear and 'excuse me'--
and i turn around. and it's the door opener guy.
'i would like to just introduce myself' he says, coming forward and extending his hand to shake.
im freaking out. he is a guy approaching me in a parking lot, and ya he was black, but thats not why im freaking out. im freaking out bc i have to look at someone else IN THE FACE w/my DANG RED ZAPPY STASH .. and please remember, i still have to pee. and im worried he's either going to lecture me about leaving shana in the car or try to sell me something. and if i brush him off THEN he will think im doing that because of his skin and think im a racist when i really just have to pee. soo bad. did u know holding your pee can cause bladder infections? bc it CAN. this is serious medical issue people.
'hell with it' i think. im not going to create a negative self perception for somebody else just bc i am insecure whiny girl today. i toss the mail in the seat, lean forward, look him in the dang ol eyes and shake his hand.
he looked at my hand. and said 'oh, are you married?'
i have a ring on my left hand ring finger. not bc im married but bc its too big now for my right ring finger.
i was caught completely off guard. almost surprised enough to tell him the truth BUT.. i decided to stick with simplicity today. for pee's sake.
'yes i am' i say, and i smiled really big. he wasnt a bad lookin guy at all.
he apologized, and backed away with the 'no disrespect' posture. i said no worries and thank you. and smiled some more. he said 'good luck with that,' and i said 'you too man.'
he got into a nice shiny newer tahoe, and i got into my car, and went home and peed.
with my shoes off. ;D
Monday, March 9, 2009
secrets
hmm long time no BLOGGIE ;D i need some practice. so i had originally decided i would do lil bloggies here n there on those every-other-sunday mornings when my kids are with the other 'parent', and my super awesome bf is fishing or hunting or engaging in some other manly activity. but LATELY... the oddest things been happening: my boyfriend kind of likes me around. it's pretty neat. i dont really try to count on it or anything and i never point it out, but i do get that tummytickle- shoulderscrunchy- AWWW smiley going, when it's saturday night n he's all "so tomorrow.. what do YOU want to do?" he's pretty awesome. n he always kisses my forehead n my cheeks n hes super sweet when it comes to trying to think of something to say-- like the other day, i came over to his house n showed him my hair (i got highlights) n i said i ddnt like them bc they looked kind of goldy- stripey and HE SAID THIS: 'oh i dont know, they accent your lips..'
this was even in the same room as his brother. who actually choked on something.
i was shocked. like my jaw dropped. his brother turned and we looked at each other. in shock. then his bro said 'oh man, you are so good for my brother!" ;D i know right? ;D too funny.
oh right, i totally digressed there. in a fairly vomit-inducing way im sure. so sorry.
ANYWAYSsssss... i had this idea to throw out like my top ten silly secrets. i dont believe its in any kind of order. just rather, first come first serve. here u go ;D
1. i wish i had a british accent. i wish i at least knew someone who did. there IS this one lady who is a higher- up sort of person at my work, and everytime i see her im so disapointed because she totally LOOKS british. but no accent whatsoever. she's got the overite, the houndstooth vest and white shirt,the wierd undone- curly hair and im certain she's got a dog she loves more than her nephews n neices, but no accent.
2. i know i need to lose 18 damn pounds. i know how to accomplish this. i know exactly how much to eat of WHAT and how much f/ing bloody cardio activity i need to engage in. i just prefer margaritas is all. and candy. and sitting to running. sitting. yeah. sitting. ;D
3. i used to want to be just like janet jackson. she did that one video back when i was prbly like 11 or 12 and she jumps on this chair and then makes it just kind of slowly go down over backwards n that ws the COOLEST thing i ever seen. i was a big fan of ummmwhatshername black chic with AMAZING vocal powers n got into coke n married bobby brown. WHITNEY HOUSTON. LOVED HER. she was AMAZING.
4. that was way before the nipple piercings tho. just sayin.. about jackson i mean ;D
5. i let my six year old watch family guy and sing along to hip hop. i let my teenager attend alternative school, wear blue eyeshadow and cuss. im really not the best at this mothering biz.. but i do make up for it with some fairly interesting insight. and candy. and AND- i might add: i havent left them in the rain on an orphanage step yet.
6. one week out of the month im insanely insecure and i cry. alot. i have learned to avoid blogging during this time at least. i hope u all are grateful for that. this is the time of the month when im certain i will never be good at my job, and my kids will always lack for what i cant provide for them, and my skin is only going to become less and less attractive, i should break up with my boyfriend bc he will never ever say he loves me. the wierd part: i dont menstruate. i just get that wonderful emotional rollercoaster. got to LOVE the merena. please believe.
was this TMI?? is there such a thing? let me know.
7. my boyfriend bought me one of those mattress- cover thingys for valentines day.. and i really DID appreciate it ;D i did go out and by myself a moderately gaudy bauble, however chances are i would have done that anyways.
8. i prefer male hairstylists to male manicurists. there is just SOMETHING not right about getting a mani - pedi from some 19 year old vietnamese kid with a blinged out necklace and skater shirt on. i was civil and appreciative and a good customer. i found out he's putting himself through pharmacy tech school. good for him man. but still, i didnt let him massage my legs. which is a big part of doing the whole pedi experience. i just couldnt. it would have been... wrong.
9. subway makes the best chocolate chip cookies. i used to go there and by a veggie wrap so i could justify buying a cookie. then it was two cookies. thankfully the madness finally stopped when they discontinued the 'wraps' and introduced the 'flatbread'. which is not really transferable to a veggie-- thingy. my friend whitney did bring me to quizno's tho and they do have some dang good salads. havent tried the cookies yet tho.. im scared.
10. i always cry for my mom when i throw up. this happened just like three weeks ago. in a charter fishing boat on the ocean. in front of my boyfriend. and ten other strange men. i did catch the biggest fish, but that ddnt stop me from puking my guts out and crying like a bitch.
this was even in the same room as his brother. who actually choked on something.
i was shocked. like my jaw dropped. his brother turned and we looked at each other. in shock. then his bro said 'oh man, you are so good for my brother!" ;D i know right? ;D too funny.
oh right, i totally digressed there. in a fairly vomit-inducing way im sure. so sorry.
ANYWAYSsssss... i had this idea to throw out like my top ten silly secrets. i dont believe its in any kind of order. just rather, first come first serve. here u go ;D
1. i wish i had a british accent. i wish i at least knew someone who did. there IS this one lady who is a higher- up sort of person at my work, and everytime i see her im so disapointed because she totally LOOKS british. but no accent whatsoever. she's got the overite, the houndstooth vest and white shirt,the wierd undone- curly hair and im certain she's got a dog she loves more than her nephews n neices, but no accent.
2. i know i need to lose 18 damn pounds. i know how to accomplish this. i know exactly how much to eat of WHAT and how much f/ing bloody cardio activity i need to engage in. i just prefer margaritas is all. and candy. and sitting to running. sitting. yeah. sitting. ;D
3. i used to want to be just like janet jackson. she did that one video back when i was prbly like 11 or 12 and she jumps on this chair and then makes it just kind of slowly go down over backwards n that ws the COOLEST thing i ever seen. i was a big fan of ummmwhatshername black chic with AMAZING vocal powers n got into coke n married bobby brown. WHITNEY HOUSTON. LOVED HER. she was AMAZING.
4. that was way before the nipple piercings tho. just sayin.. about jackson i mean ;D
5. i let my six year old watch family guy and sing along to hip hop. i let my teenager attend alternative school, wear blue eyeshadow and cuss. im really not the best at this mothering biz.. but i do make up for it with some fairly interesting insight. and candy. and AND- i might add: i havent left them in the rain on an orphanage step yet.
6. one week out of the month im insanely insecure and i cry. alot. i have learned to avoid blogging during this time at least. i hope u all are grateful for that. this is the time of the month when im certain i will never be good at my job, and my kids will always lack for what i cant provide for them, and my skin is only going to become less and less attractive, i should break up with my boyfriend bc he will never ever say he loves me. the wierd part: i dont menstruate. i just get that wonderful emotional rollercoaster. got to LOVE the merena. please believe.
was this TMI?? is there such a thing? let me know.
7. my boyfriend bought me one of those mattress- cover thingys for valentines day.. and i really DID appreciate it ;D i did go out and by myself a moderately gaudy bauble, however chances are i would have done that anyways.
8. i prefer male hairstylists to male manicurists. there is just SOMETHING not right about getting a mani - pedi from some 19 year old vietnamese kid with a blinged out necklace and skater shirt on. i was civil and appreciative and a good customer. i found out he's putting himself through pharmacy tech school. good for him man. but still, i didnt let him massage my legs. which is a big part of doing the whole pedi experience. i just couldnt. it would have been... wrong.
9. subway makes the best chocolate chip cookies. i used to go there and by a veggie wrap so i could justify buying a cookie. then it was two cookies. thankfully the madness finally stopped when they discontinued the 'wraps' and introduced the 'flatbread'. which is not really transferable to a veggie-- thingy. my friend whitney did bring me to quizno's tho and they do have some dang good salads. havent tried the cookies yet tho.. im scared.
10. i always cry for my mom when i throw up. this happened just like three weeks ago. in a charter fishing boat on the ocean. in front of my boyfriend. and ten other strange men. i did catch the biggest fish, but that ddnt stop me from puking my guts out and crying like a bitch.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
knock knock
she opened the door and looked out.
and when the only thing to catch her eye were the spiderwebs on the porch lattice across from her, she looked down. and there he was. dressed in a leathery hat and stained gloves, patched- knees trousers and a belt with pouches hanging on the side, the garden gnome stood.
his redrimmed eyes .. eyed her. he turned his head to the side and spat down the steps. he had a trowel tucked in one side of his belt. his skin was old mud and coffee grounds. the hair under his chin was lichen. the veins on his forehead reminded her of roots.
she didnt know quite what to say.
he glared, and harrumphed, and finally released these rough few words:
'mind you dont let those girl-brats tromp through the roses, i've just planted garlic round the base.'
chains dragging over muddy gravel would be a close comparison to his voice, grating up at her from less than knee height.
she raises her eyebrows and opens her mouth to respond.. but there, shes lost.
who talks to garden gnomes?
i mean really?
he sniffs. and fingers the pouch closest to his right hand. waiting.
she says, 'thank you?'
or meant to, truly, however only the sound of her intake of air is heard. a thin, slow gasping, and that is all. she closes her mouth, and opens it again, but still: nothing.
his wrinkly weathered brow wrinkles further, and he turns and spits again. before adding:
'you'll be wanting that garlic soon enough.'
and with that, he's down the stairs and disappearing around the side of the house.
in a moderately spritely fashion.
which should be expected, as they are related.
she shut the door. and blinked.
and stood there, absorbing or repressing the moment.
the inside of her house hummed electrically.
the shoes lining the side of the wall stayed in their patient spots.
she considered locking the door, and didnt.
she did walk into the living room tho,
and ask her children to stay out of the garden for the next few days.
and then she went to her desk and googled for the better part of an hour:
"fairy food, gnome cuisine, sprite snacks", til she found something she deemed appropriate, organic and healthy and not too tricky to prepare.
single moms need all the help they can get.
see this is way funner than bitching about relationships ;D
and when the only thing to catch her eye were the spiderwebs on the porch lattice across from her, she looked down. and there he was. dressed in a leathery hat and stained gloves, patched- knees trousers and a belt with pouches hanging on the side, the garden gnome stood.
his redrimmed eyes .. eyed her. he turned his head to the side and spat down the steps. he had a trowel tucked in one side of his belt. his skin was old mud and coffee grounds. the hair under his chin was lichen. the veins on his forehead reminded her of roots.
she didnt know quite what to say.
he glared, and harrumphed, and finally released these rough few words:
'mind you dont let those girl-brats tromp through the roses, i've just planted garlic round the base.'
chains dragging over muddy gravel would be a close comparison to his voice, grating up at her from less than knee height.
she raises her eyebrows and opens her mouth to respond.. but there, shes lost.
who talks to garden gnomes?
i mean really?
he sniffs. and fingers the pouch closest to his right hand. waiting.
she says, 'thank you?'
or meant to, truly, however only the sound of her intake of air is heard. a thin, slow gasping, and that is all. she closes her mouth, and opens it again, but still: nothing.
his wrinkly weathered brow wrinkles further, and he turns and spits again. before adding:
'you'll be wanting that garlic soon enough.'
and with that, he's down the stairs and disappearing around the side of the house.
in a moderately spritely fashion.
which should be expected, as they are related.
she shut the door. and blinked.
and stood there, absorbing or repressing the moment.
the inside of her house hummed electrically.
the shoes lining the side of the wall stayed in their patient spots.
she considered locking the door, and didnt.
she did walk into the living room tho,
and ask her children to stay out of the garden for the next few days.
and then she went to her desk and googled for the better part of an hour:
"fairy food, gnome cuisine, sprite snacks", til she found something she deemed appropriate, organic and healthy and not too tricky to prepare.
single moms need all the help they can get.
see this is way funner than bitching about relationships ;D
boys are stupid
so i forgot my password. thats why i havent been here in a million years. it just took me this long to go thru the process of resetting the damn thing. do you have ANY IDEA just how many passwords i have to manage in my life? more than the normal civilian thats for sure. its ridiculous. i have to have a separate document where i put them all. hidden in a lock box in my basement. with bats and gargoyles keeping watch.
so ok: here's a question: if you have been with a guy for exactly one whole damn year and you still dont know for sure how he feels about you, as in hes NEVER FUCKING SAID how he feels about you, and the time has come and gone where celebrating any kind of anniversarial moment would be... timely, what would be the best course of action to take? let's consider some options here:
1. give in to my sense of entitlement and withdraw in an icy manner. what will this give me? more neuroticism to mindfuck myself with while im all by myself. not getting laid.
2. bitch. as in specifically bring up the issue and show that im hurt about it. where will THIS road go? straight to smoking. alone. and not getting laid.
3. not say anything. and quietly mindfuck myself with all the possibilities. but i still get laid. until i dont.
and to further complicate things, i truly believe two opposing beliefs:
a. that its best for the guy to bring up emotional stuff first bc that way they dont feel trapped or whatever and also bc when its their idea, they tend to invest in it a little more.
b. its never good to ignore your needs as a person and only focus on theirs.
well heres a thing-- ive ignored my need to be emotionally fucking validated for ONE FULL ON FUCKING YEAR here and while he is sooo wonderful in all the other ways you can think of, it still sucks to not have that part. am i being too impatient? am i being too narrow minded? have i missed my chance? its not that i dont feel cared for. i dont feel used or anything. we are both really good at saying thank you. i just wish i was a little more than 'awesome'. so maybe i am selfish. and shortsighted. and i dont want him to say anything he doesnt mean, which is why ive been willing to wait for when he does. but still: the worst part is when im feeling threatened by other girls. if i knew how he felt about me then his attention to other girls wouldnt be SUCH a bitch for me.
this one thing i read said that it doesnt matter how long youve been w/ a guy, he will say how he feels only when he' s ready. and girls are always more ready before guys are. so whats going on is in that sense, normal. this is not comforting.
this one other thing i read said guys will only open up emotionally when they feel completely comfortable doing so. and if you (the girl) are a bitch and withdraw or are a bitch and explode that will decrease their fucking ass comfort level. awesome.
im going to take care of myself by getting another hobby. my sister scrapbooks. i already play volleyball but thats only one day a week. i need another one. who wants to do bellydancing with me? CMONCMONCMON ;D COME ON ;D i got zils ;D they make neat noises ;D
mkay im going to do work now.
so ok: here's a question: if you have been with a guy for exactly one whole damn year and you still dont know for sure how he feels about you, as in hes NEVER FUCKING SAID how he feels about you, and the time has come and gone where celebrating any kind of anniversarial moment would be... timely, what would be the best course of action to take? let's consider some options here:
1. give in to my sense of entitlement and withdraw in an icy manner. what will this give me? more neuroticism to mindfuck myself with while im all by myself. not getting laid.
2. bitch. as in specifically bring up the issue and show that im hurt about it. where will THIS road go? straight to smoking. alone. and not getting laid.
3. not say anything. and quietly mindfuck myself with all the possibilities. but i still get laid. until i dont.
and to further complicate things, i truly believe two opposing beliefs:
a. that its best for the guy to bring up emotional stuff first bc that way they dont feel trapped or whatever and also bc when its their idea, they tend to invest in it a little more.
b. its never good to ignore your needs as a person and only focus on theirs.
well heres a thing-- ive ignored my need to be emotionally fucking validated for ONE FULL ON FUCKING YEAR here and while he is sooo wonderful in all the other ways you can think of, it still sucks to not have that part. am i being too impatient? am i being too narrow minded? have i missed my chance? its not that i dont feel cared for. i dont feel used or anything. we are both really good at saying thank you. i just wish i was a little more than 'awesome'. so maybe i am selfish. and shortsighted. and i dont want him to say anything he doesnt mean, which is why ive been willing to wait for when he does. but still: the worst part is when im feeling threatened by other girls. if i knew how he felt about me then his attention to other girls wouldnt be SUCH a bitch for me.
this one thing i read said that it doesnt matter how long youve been w/ a guy, he will say how he feels only when he' s ready. and girls are always more ready before guys are. so whats going on is in that sense, normal. this is not comforting.
this one other thing i read said guys will only open up emotionally when they feel completely comfortable doing so. and if you (the girl) are a bitch and withdraw or are a bitch and explode that will decrease their fucking ass comfort level. awesome.
im going to take care of myself by getting another hobby. my sister scrapbooks. i already play volleyball but thats only one day a week. i need another one. who wants to do bellydancing with me? CMONCMONCMON ;D COME ON ;D i got zils ;D they make neat noises ;D
mkay im going to do work now.
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