choices

i

considered

writing about

what i found today

in a drawer that wasn't mine.

instead

i'm choosing

to put my shoes on

and go outside

and run.

it's

better

than smoking.

i may just do that too tho,

after.

a mother's karma

Hi.

My name is Susanne and I am surviving a sixteen year old daughter.

Barely.

So today I was just talking to a coworker who has two young daughters, and she was saying how scared she is of when her kids are sixteen, and I had told her how much BETTER my kid is now than she was last year, how ON TOP of things she is, how she’s gotten a new sense of INSIGHT and she’s all RESPONSIBLE and GOAL ORIENTED and all this stuff…

And of course, my karma is such that my words always come back to haunt me.

This child is out of control. Still.

Her teacher called me today, leaving a msg that states he has been trying to reach my kid and she needs to go to Friday school and he really wants to get her back on track.

The school she goes to is an alternative one. If students miss more than %20 of class time, they are placed in a probationary status and not allowed to attend school until they have completed two ‘Friday school sessions’. So in essence they are out of school except for Friday for two weeks straight.

SO clearly, my child has failed to attend her %80 portion and has received Friday school probation and has failed as well to tell me.

I call my child. She’s at home. After informing her that her teacher called me I asked her to tell me what’s going on. At this stage of the game, she knows its too late to do anything but tell the truth and this is what she does… and apparently she has been leaving ‘for school’ every day for the last two and one half weeks, and then coming back home after I go to work. Except for the days she stays downtown and smokes pot with her friends. Well, that part came out after I asked her what would show if I brought a UA kit home.

Awesome.

So I tell her to call her teacher and straighten this out and then call me and let me know what the outcome is. And I tell her im pissed at her for her dishonesty around whats going on—not only neglecting to inform me of her current status, yesterday she straight out LIED to me and said she came home early from school bc another girl upset her. And that she had all her time in and had cleared this with her teacher.

This kid only has to be in school for three hours per day, Monday thru Thursday. That’s all. It’s not a lot to ask.

I work full time. She has lots of room to skip with and clearly knows how to take advantage of the opportunities. I get that kids will choose to do this.

Still, the absolute pisser of the situation is her attitude shows barely any remorse. Let alone an interest or motivation for change.

I told her she was grounded, and she asked for how long. I said ‘how bout three weeks since that’s how long you’ve been lying to me?’

And then her response: ‘it’s only been two’.

So I told her to consider the extra week as interest.

And the next thing out of her mouth is: ‘So do I still get that $40 you were going to give me?’

Is she SERIOUS? For REAL? She gets herself kicked out of school, lies to me, and then has the audacity to ask for her allowance? Unbelievable.

I almost asked ‘why—do you need to pay off your drug dealers?’ but then I decided I didn’t want to hear the answer. And seriously, if she actually does owe any money for anything then that’s a lesson all unto itself and she can learn it the hard way.

The deal is, I pay her cell phone bill which is about $60, and I also give her $80 a month for whatever she wants, lunch money or whatever else, in two $40 increments. The understanding is this is money she is entitled to as an ‘upstanding member of the household’- she watches her sister on the occasions I ask her to, and she attends her classes. If she hasn’t been attending school for the last two damn weeks, I don’t feel too terribly obligated to fork over money to her.

So how about NO, I keep my hard earned cash and she can step up and make some responsible decisions. And we can try again next month. That’s the response I want to make (editing out the cussing parts), however I just told her we would talk about it tonight.

It just really sucks. The whole fucking thing. And that’s what I have to look forward to dealing with tonight.

There is one positive about this situation: practice makes perfect. Both my child and I were able to maintain a phone conversation without resorting to screaming, belittling, or foul language. This says something about both of us, in that we are continuing to grow and work on communication.

Damn communication building anyways. It never ever ends.

a thanksgiving miracle

So the best way to get this one out of the way is probly just to time line it.
I was at my previous employment for about 3.5 years. The actual work did not actually suck. Social services is always going to be a job that makes u feel dirty some days and super great other days.
I actually had two jobs working six days a week for the last two years for two nonprofits. One in the mental health side of social services and one in the domestic violence side. I would make the statement ’two kids, two jobs, two hands’. and feel good about it. I worked my ass off.

Until our fine state hit hard times.

On the 12th of last month I had an interview that went amazingly well. I rocked. The feedback I got from the people who knew the people on the interview panel said so. Plus I could just tell. It was great. I went home that Wednesday feeling awesome. Not awesome like I was going to get the job, per se. I don’t have a masters degree, and I only meet the minimum requirements for the position. But I still wanted to interview for it and I did it and not only did it go good, it went WELL. Woo hoo for me ;D

The next day I got laid off. DHS took a %20 per cent budget hit and the decision was to delete almost all the contract partner positions, which is what I was. My supervisor came to work and informed me that I had until the 1st of December. It was awful. Two of three of us were eliminated. The one left was and is currently dealing with a horrific mess.

And see the thing is, I’m a single mom. Yes I get child support but dude doesn’t even make as much as me and he’s got two other offspring to concern himself with now.. Hence the reason why I was working TWO jobs ever since he left the picture. And felt fortunate to do so.

I felt fortunate I still had one job at that point, even if it was only for one or two days a week. And plus I have had some kind of employment since my oldest was two. So I knew there would be unemployment benefits. And that plus my kid money , and minus the need for child care, would mean we would be covered for all basic needs. In other words, I would not be on the other side of the desk. Asking for welfare. Extremely fortunate indeed.

But when you have been the major breadwinner for the last six years, its more than just money gone when your job ends. Its your identity. And that was a fucking hard pill. And the other part was waiting through the last days until my job ends.. All the people coming up and offering what words they could. I did more smiling and nodding and reassuring THEM than actually working with clients.
And how could I work with my clients ? When in just a few days not only would I be gone, I would be just like them-- jobless and depressed and disempowered.. It was an unrealistic expectation.

So, I didn’t. I cleared my calendar of all available appointment slots and spent all my time job hunting, resume-cover letter- supplemental question updating, emailing and contacting people in my network. All day that Friday.

I came in on Monday and my work search continued. Until the director who interviewed me came to my desk and told me very gently I didn’t get the position, and the only reason was bc I don’t have a Masters. She offered her condolences and gave as much encouragement as she could and I thanked her for it. And for her letting me know so quickly. And I did understand completely. Competition is competition and that’s how it goes. I went back to job hunting.

That whole week I had possibly two or three client contacts at the most. But since the job position itself was changing after I left, those contacts had the barest hint of actual work attached. I met the ladies, listened to their stories, gave them some phone numbers to counseling what not. And let their cm’s know they came. that’s it. Approximately one whole thumbnail’s worth compared to what I used to do. I was grateful how little of my time they took, since I needed all that time to find work. And again, even though it was painful, I was grateful for the opportunity to be paid to look for work. As it were.

The week went by. Friday came. There was a planning meeting on my calendar, and I was expected to attend. These meetings have nothing hardly at all to do with me, except in the most abstract sense as being part of the team. I checked with a supervisor to make sure I really was wanted there, and she confirmed they did. Bloody freaking fuck. Fine. I went. Hoping it would end early so I could maybe use up my last free tan on my lunch.

It didn’t end early and I didn’t go tanning. That meeting was the worst part of my whole week. Keep in mind, I’m doing my best to keep my emotions to myself and NOT vent or freak out or even be sarcastic this whole time, bc I don’t want to make anyone feel any worse about the situation. However. For no less than fifty five minutes, I was subjugated to a roomful of women who not only all get to keep their jobs, they get to plan services for clients for the next month. The month I’m NOT going to be there, so why am I here NOW in this fucking meeting? Because there was one question they wanted me to address.

I will tell you this question shortly. First they had to go thru the agenda. Bullshit bullshit here, bigfucking who cares there, and then: ‘the issue at hand’. they take great pains to not look at me while describing what we all already know: all the contracts DHS made in JULY have been broken. They take great pains to state how they will miss the other contracts. They then look at me and ask: when is my coworker taking things on ? And will she be doing attendance?

that’s it. Not anything more personal than that. These are the supervisors. And the one other contractor that’s been deemed more necessary than ours, and therefore able to maintain most of their employees.

I give them their answers. She will be here soon and I don’t see her able to maintain attendance at this point, but its not up to me to state for certain. They accept this. And move on to the next topic: ‘the face of the new client’.

They describe IN detail how the newest client population has actually never been on assistance before, they are shell shocked people who perhaps lost their businesses or were LAID OFF for the first time ever and they don’t know what to do about it.

What a shocking description. Its like I’m this stinking dead horse in the room, they all talk about in depth, with compassion bleeding through their voices, and yet not one fucking bitch in there is willing to look me in the eye. These are ladies I had, up until one week prior, an excellent working relationship with. These are women I have connected to with humor and stories about our kids and with staffing clients and potlucks and all the other shit it takes to be part of the welfare office.

But now, I am a leper. And an ugly unmentionable one at that. I get this. And accept the fact that their personal limitations do not really mean anything more than that. They cant handle this situation appropriately and this is how its turning out and fuckitol anyways. The fifty five minutes come to an end, and ever so gratefully I get up to leave. Just doing my best to breath normally.

Until going out the door, the chic behind me huffs and says: ‘I don’t see why I even had to be in there.’

IS SHE FOR FUCKING ASS REAL???

I turned, and looked at her, and said: ‘Ya. No shit, huh?’ and kept on walking. She at least had the grace to go ‘oh, right.’ but at that point I wasn’t trying to talk. I just walked down the aisle, threw my pen and pad over my cubbie wall, went into the bathroom and cried. And since that took about eight minutes to finish up, I DIDN’T get to go tanning, I went to my car and sat there. Then I went back to my desk, to my latest supplemental question set.

I got to work on it for about five minutes when a very nice man entered my cubbie to check on how I’m handling things (didn’t tell him) and to then offer me a job posting that hasn’t yet hit the papers yet. Its an awesome job and he was so nice, he told me all about how I would be so great at it and it was just so nice. I thanked him and told him I would start that one as soon as I was done with the one I was working on.

He left, and I kept working. With an improved sense of self and gratitude- for genuine people and for opportunities to work towards and for the fact that I still at that point had all of Friday afternoon plus Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of the next week to keep on plugging away at my job search. Wednesday was the last day, bc it was the day before Thanksgiving and my employer always gave the day after Thanksgiving off also.

Not two minutes afterwards, the director who interviewed me (remember, for that job she told me on Monday I DDNT get?) came to my cubby. And asked how I was doing. I said ‘well, today has had its ups and downs, but that’s how it goes I guess..’ and smiled at her. I have known her for almost three years. We were cubby neighbors at a different branch a couple years ago. Her daughter is a good friend of mine. I’m not at all butt hurt that she didn’t hire me. And so anyways she asked if she could talk to me for a minute and I said sure and then she goes “if you still want that job it’s all yours.” and looks at me.

..and I just look back at her. And blink. ?I’m sorry, I think she just said something amazing but fuck if I’m not sure…?

I just said ‘ohhh SUE, I will CRY RIGHT NOW!” umm I think I whispered that actually I couldn’t hear anything over my heartbeat at that point.

She said “the person we originally offered it to fell through, and frankly, I didn’t like anyone else we interviewed but you. Its going to be a lot of work and a pretty big learning curve, do you still want the job? Do you think you can do it?”

“OH HELLS YA!! I CAN DO ANYTHING!!!” ya I really said it just like that ;D

And AMEN and AMEN and AMEN. I got to start on the day that originally would have begun my lay off. I got to go home and tell my teenager I had a new job and what it was. She asked “does this mean you wont be on unemployment?’ and I said ‘ya’ and she cried. I got to tell my boyfriend and my family. And I’m so grateful. Not just for state bennies. Not just for the huge ass pay differential that means I can finally work just ONE job like normal people. But also for the fact that I have wanted THIS JOB for SO LONG.

I have seen it as the next step in what I’m already doing: empowering people to become self sufficient. And this job is not on the ‘front lines’. as it were. Its close, but at least one row if not two back from the front. And that’s ok. I’ve done my time on the front. For almost six years. I’ve been on the other side of that line as well, much of my life, for one reason or another. Which has lots to do with the choosing of my profession.

And now, I can breathe. And be grateful. Thank You Lord. For all your blessings. Amen.

good morning.

so i have lots to say and this is a place i can do so w/out my real world peeking... more or less.

hmmm... i could jump into it, or i could introduce myself, or i could call the whole thing off n go clean my kitchen like i should be.

ambivalence enters the room and settles on my couch, drinking coffee and smirking.

mkay fine.. most of the people in my life- and perhaps some of you fine readers- have an understanding of who i am and where i come from and thats all well and good. what really matters is where i am now, though. and really the only way i can process all that is by writing. its just cheaper than therapy. but just like therapy, the trickiest part is knowing where to start.. theres just so many dang topics to choose from:

im starting a new career, one i have wanted to get into for years. it is a great story that very much deserves its own blog. not to mention my previous employment experiences are chock full of blogworthy bitchings..

i have a boyfriend whos very unlike any i have ever had before: decent. untainted by drugs, cigarrettes, and video poker. buys me cheese graters n flowers n never calls me names. he just likes his beer n football n runs a marathon or two a year. and yet..

i have two girls.. born ten years and one day apart, to the absolute minute. they have different dads (not my current partner). and different personalities too, tho sometimes i wonder if thats the result of genetics, or just the gemini in them. my oldest especially is worth her weight in blogging material.

my families of origin: there's some fun shit. did u catch the plural?? im adopted. from crazy people, by crazy people. i have a degree in psychology, i should know.


wellll fuckitol.. the kids are bickering and my kitchen is calling and we have to buy a tree today. but i will share one supergreat thing: i have tomorrow off too. in fact, its my FIRST sunday off in like two years. n thats just one of the bonuses of my new career: i only need one dang job now, how awesome is that??

so ya, i will be back. perhaps with more of a plan by then. i ddnt really research this shit when i started, so i hope i can do things like edit or whatever after i post this.