Why I Once Bought $40 Worth of Ace Bandages

its embarrassing sometimes how absolutely silly I can be.

The story happened a week before Halloween.

Me and my boyfriend had this super fabulous AWESOME idea. seriously the BEST COUPLE COSTUME EVER: nuns. he had a beard so he could be the funny 'bearded nun', and i was going to be the 'naughty nun'. I bought six inch platform heels and a mini nun costume. online. we had a lot of fun going through all the various sites and looking at all the costumes -- dude there's at least 500 nun costumes out there. crazy.


mkay BUT: then when it got here see, i try it on and it isnt the way it looked in the picture. the fabric was different than pictured. it was this shiny stretchy stuff instead velvet. it was also unhemmed and kind of kept riding up. and the sleeves were wierd. i looked way WAY more like a 'chubby nunny' than a 'naughty nun'. Totally depressing. And this was five days before the costume party we were going to. i mean, i know what size i am and how many pounds i STILL need to lose before i will really like what i look like but STILL, i did not think i deserved to be cheated out of my FIRST halloween costume experience ever. i wanted to look at least moderately hot and that shouldnt be too damn hard. pssh.

So the idea comes to mind, a memory really, of when I was a maid of honor at my sister's wedding and I bought both her and I something I had only ever heard of but never experienced: european body wraps! a spa experience extraordinairre. my sister chickened out, even after i called the place and the lady assured me there were no ingredients known to be allergic to brides to be. but anyways, I DID go through with it and the next day, when i put my super hot apple red bustier on, it was TOO BIG. literally. that body wrap thing worked .. well in essence it sucks out your extra water weight for a couple days before you.. swell back up to normal i guess.

SO OK back to the current story: im depressed about my upcoming nunnishness and i remembered about that experience. and I called every single place in the two towns i live by and there are NO appointments available within the needed time frame.

hell. bloody fat fucking hell.

SO MY NEXT idea? go online. you can find anything there right?

yes you can. and i did. specifically: an e book with a bunch of recipes for doing body wraps at home. YEA ME!! who says I cant figure shit out when i need to?

so: ordered the book, read it all up, and off i went to the store for my.. ace bandages. the book said 12 and they would only cost about $@ apiece. IT was wrong, at walmart the ones i got all ended up to be forty damn dollars. whatevs. yes, this is the end of the month almost and i AM running low on funds but THIS CAUSE will need every SACRIFICE i can make to pull it off.

the next thing was red body clay / body masking clay stuff. there wasnt any to be had anywhere. i finally found some face mask stuff that said it had benton clay which i remembered was talked about in the book too, so i got that.

THEN: seaweed. i finally went to an asian market, and asked a lady about what kind would be best. she was perplexed, and led me to the aisle of sea weed. both chinese and japanese. and all for eating not for wrapping. i was unphased, even after she walked away muttering about white girls or something.

so, i had all my stuff and went home. i crushed up the dried shredded sea weed and started it boiling. i went and found my space heater and put it in the bathroom turned on medium. the book says its important to stay warm. then i strained the NASTY smelling seaweed, and stirred in the mask-ey stuff along with two small niacin pills (for opening up all your arteries i think) and some essential oils (to mask that NASTY seaweed smell).

i had a half pot of warm-goopy-not-so-bad-smelling-kind-of-lumpy-but-what-ever-mess.

i had my big sheet. and another blanket to go over that.

i had my hair up.

i had my skin all scrubbed down and exfoliated.

and, i had my ace bandages.

all in all i spent about $55 or so. which wasnt great, but still less than the $110.00 i would have spent plus tip in a salon. i felt empowered, and ready for my adventure. and headed into the bathroom.

the bathroom was cold. the heater had turned off at somepoint. DAMNIT. i turned it back on and debated what i should do, because this goopy shit wasnt gonna stay warm for too long. my house was built in 1891, with dang high ceiling and nothing remotely close to sufficient insulation or centwise goodness like houses have today. that bathroom was maybe 50 degrees tops. I finally decided to go ahead and get started. i got naked and began glopping up my leg, then wrapped it up with one of the bandages.

the damn DEVIL HEATER turned itself off again. and would NOT turn back on.

FUCK.

so, now i just have to hurry this shit up. i glop up and wrap up everything I can, except my arms. then i do my arms. and im shivering. then, i wrap up with my sheet and thats a little better but not much. SO, i go into the living room, crank my wall heater to 90 degrees, and try to ..sit down in front of it. im all mummied up. this was a harder task than expected. but i did it and sat there on the floor in front of the heater.

my feet got too hot. my back is still cold. this sucks ass. i finally wiggle around and lay down, sideways, in front of the heater. then using my feet and my mouth (i am too far gone in shame now to lie about this), i wiggle the other blanket mostly over me. and then i just lay there on my back.

the heater turned off.

here i am again, getting cold and .. gelled. not shrinking. gelling. i lay there on the floor facing the ceiling and im too squishy to even think about any new solution now. this did not work. but i still laid there.. until the door bell rang.
WHY? WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME??


no i didnt answer it but i DID squish myself up and wobble hop into the bathroom. and then got everything off me and cleaned up. feeling like a full on ninny. not a nunny, a ninny. i sometimes get ninny ideas in my head, and this is how they end up. awesome.


so, to end the ninny nunny story: the body wrap seemed to shrink my boobs a little,
but nothing else that i could tell. i did have a super power slip that smooshed everything into where it needed to stay and that make the nun costume tolerable..for the first 1.5 hours of the party at least. then i just happened to look down, and: the sides had blown out. both of them. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT??? i spent the rest of the time with my arms down. and thank God for the damn black wonder slip, nobody noticed.

next year, im going to be a mummy. i already got the damn bandages.