flowerpants

My boyfriend runs long distances.
This past year i've been dating him, i've gone with him to a few events, to watch / take pictures / have his stuff ready for him /cheer him on, etc. Well last month, while waiting for him to finish up his second 'Ultrathon' of the year (31.someting miles), i decided i was tired of being the lame-ass-girlfriend-watcher. and the next moderately decent one he signed up for, i would to. Decent meaning: less than 10 miles.

Which turned out to be titled 'Shotgun trail Blast.'
a 10k, 15k, or 25k trailrun. Vinnie was doing the 25k but i figured i could handle the 10k. 'It's only six miles' i said to myself. i can run that on the treadmill in an hour and a half. factoring another half hour in for the 'trail' variable, i figured i could do this in two hours and it would kick ass to do my first 10k on a trail run instead of a flat run.

well, thats what i was thinking anyways.
I could have named the blog after this but instead, my title is a heartfelt toast to the 73 year old lady who beat me at this run. by 22 minutes. In her 20 year old pink orange and blue flowered capris, belly bag, and terry cloth sweatband.Let me first state: The name of this run was absolutely misleading. This was no happy 'trail run'. Read this description below:

Shotgun Trail Blast:
"If you love trails, trees, hills, mud, and more mud, then this is the race for you. The scenery is fantastic, the course is challenging and the experience will be unforgettable. The first 1.7 miles of the 10K and 15K and the first 2.6 miles of the 25K are on a smooth paved surface along the creek, before turning onto the trails. The rest of the courses are on wide, muddy, hilly and super-scenic forest trails, with significant elevation gain and loss. All events finish with a 1/2 mile stretch on pavement. The 25K course will be as challenging as running a road marathon - please come prepared."

Ok, granted; there is a sentence in there citing 'significant elevation gain and loss'. HOWEVER i must humbly beg to fucking differ: those trails were not wide. they were trenches. trenches dug by four wheelers and other off road vehicles. these trails were indeed muddy. the kind of sucking mud that wants to steal your soul along with your shoes. the significant elevation? ohhh yes. it was significant. we were traveling uphill. the WHOLE FUCKING TIME. UPHILL. close to 2000 feet. not at any normal slope. at an EVIL slope.

i was thoroughly disillusioned.
this was no 'trail event'. this was a 'trench event.' if i had read about a 'trench event thru bitch ass trenches going up 2000 feet', i might have asked myself: "hmm, am i ready for that?" and probly just done the two mile fun run last week with the cute little shamrock shirt. but no. i read 'muddy trail with significant elevation', and i interpreted some uppy - downy hilly terrain with a few mud puddles and a happy go lucky crowd alongside me.

one hour uphill in a trench taller than me getting my shoes sucked off and all i could think (when i could think) is: flower pants did this? flowerpants is kicking my ass? also i must state, all the little runs i've done have allll KINDS of people who take however long to do their thing. this was a 'serious' event. i didnt get that, i guess, when i was reading the description. this was an event for those who Train. and Just. Do. It. and wear funny thingys over their shoes to keep the mud out. and use words like 'sub-one' and such.

I will state this: the 'Blast' part of the name was accurate. my friend Tracy came with me. im glad she did. it was superfun bonding, moaning and getting lost or almost so. we were so far behind the rest of the runners (ok, the ACTUAL runners bc we were NOT running most of the time), the aid stations had already packed up and left by the time we reached where they were supposed to be. that sucked. plus the event leader had stated there were boy scouts all over the place, and we had our little trail map and 'the trails are clearly marked' and there was 'no way you could get lost out there' what the hell ever. we were stressed about where we were most of the time. we had a little bag of energy chews and no water. we didnt see one damn scout until we found the road again. that was a blessed event. After an hour and a half in the forest trenches, we had arrived at the last water station. in time. after that it was about three tenths of a mile to the finish, on nice flat road. awesome.

we came in dead dang last at two hours seven minutes. the announcer broadcasted it out "Oh, here's two more finishers" he stated our names, our times, and then said "moving right along, the name of the first place female runner is .." she came in exactly one hour before us.

whatever. Tracy brought beer. and we got to drink them while waiting for vinnie to come in from his 15 mile jaunt (which he did at two hours, thirty eight minutes, taking eighth place and second in his age group. bc thats how he rolls) Yes, the forest was beautiful, but not as heart-rendering beautiful as seeing those bottles with the pretty blue mountains on them coming out of her cooler. this is the best beer i've ever ever had. and besides, i was only a few minutes over my orignial estimation of two hours which i have to say, seems miraculous given that i had not counted on climbing a whole freakin mountain when i was doing my pre- event math.

flower pants had already left, which was too bad. we wanted to offer her a beer to thank her for the inspiration. that old woman seriously has it goin on.